‘The Great Wall’ Review


Our Rating

Lizzards Leaping out of 100.5

Assault of Century 13

There are 7 wonders on this tiny planet of ours, and out of all of them The Great Wall of China has surprisingly few movies feature it as a major plot device. There might be a good reason for that, but that’s not stopped Hollywood from making a film hypothesising why it was made and forcing Matt Damon (I presume at gunpoint) to star in it. This won’t end well.

Ok, I’m going to say it sorry. SPOLIER! There are giant lizards. That’s why the Great Wall of China was made according to Yimou Zhang’s newest movie. No, seriously. That’s the reason. Lets all take a moment to consider how utterly stupid the concept even is for this. I mean who even came up with the idea? The writers of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice are on the writing credits? That explains everything.

From start to finish the entire film is a cluster of bad CGI, wooden acting and ridiculous plot twists. What’s even more surreal is that the film feels it needs to somehow justify why the lizards exist at all, as if anyone cares or is sat in the audience with that question. A far more pertinent question would be “Why is Jason Bourne even in this film?” or “Considering William Defoe is one of the main characters why is he nowhere on the publicity?”

This would all be somewhat forgivable if the movie didn’t try and reach for cultural integrity, but it does. In what I can only imagine in a hope to corner both markets everyone who isn’t William Defoe, Matt Damon or Pedro Pascal is oriental. I am fine with having a mix of races in your movies obviously, but I just wonder why we need these 3 at all. I understand that you need to justify the American release somehow, but literally anyone could have taken Damon’s place and it would have been the same movie.

In the film Matt Damon plays William (really? When William Defoe is in the film? What did they just go for the most none Asian name the could think of?), who is an incredible warrior and archer. But for the other soldiers it’s not enough that he single handily kills two monsters where it takes quite literally dozen’s of the other fighters to defeat one. No.  How he proves his ability is by shooting a bowl out of the air, a pallor trick during wartime.

The entire film has this uneven pacing problem, seeing as it’s predominantly a siege film we are given an attack and then a reprieve where Matt Damon gets to prove he’s not just heroic on the battlefield but also has strong morals too, then we get back into the action sequences. Then, and I’m not making this up. The entire film transports itself from The Great Wall to the capital for the most meathead of reasons.

It’s filled with plot holes, idiotic choices and tasteless ideas. The Great Wall deserves to be torn down.

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