Time For An Oil Change
I’ve dipped in and out of the Transformers franchise, I watched the first outing to see what the fuss was about, I allowed Revenge Of The Fallen to pass me by, I gave Bay another chance with Dark Side Of The Moon (or whatever it was called), and I was still getting over the disappointment for Age Of Extinction. However, let it never be said that I won’t try for my work, so I recently gave bay ANOTHER chance with The Last Knight, what a mistake it was.
The world “awful” gets thrown around too often nowadays; we have people with awful behaviour, or awful food, but trust me when I say if I had to summarize Transformers in a single word it would be “Awful”.
Absolutely everything about Transformers makes me angry, if I could bottle my hatred I would. I would put it in a vase and throw it onto Michael Bay’s face, in the form of a cocktail mixing sulphuric acid with Kubrick quotes. The shame of life is that I can’t do that. No one can, absolutely no one can force Michael Bay to stop making these increasingly long car wrecks, any more than they can make Mark Wahlberg make highbrow movies. These two are a perfect fit for each other. Man alive! I’ve got a lot of anger in me for this franchise, I’m going to try and be more level headed.
Transformers has some fine acting in it, it has… No, can’t do it, back to the rage bus.
But that’s the point; The Last Knight doesn’t even try to hide what it is. The entire film is nothing more than a cash register for idiots. It breaks my heart that this is a movie that will explode at the box office, where as a movie like Gifted, or The Book of Henry will be continually overlooked. We don’t go to the cinema to think sometimes, we just go to escape. There is nothing in the world wrong with that, wanting to escape, I have my movies I use to do that, but please not Transformers?
In Bay’s defence he seems to have at least learnt a few things from the past, the main female lead isn’t just for eye candy or perversion, she does serve a greater purpose in the grander narrative. But to balance it out, the entire female species seems to comprise of her, a 14 year old girl (Who is introduced in the opening 15 minutes then written back out) and Mark Wahlberg’s daughter.
What makes The Last Knight altogether worst is the plot makes NO SENSE at all, they try a feeble attempt to tie Transformers into Britain’s history and there isn’t an ending. I mean it, the film just stops, there’s no real closure or finale, instead the battle concludes and the credits roll. How basic in its failing is a film with no ending?
Also, I hope to God that Michael Bay has something incriminating on Anthony Hopkins and Stanley Tucci because there is no amount of money in the world they could be offered to put their names to the Transformers franchise. I’ve not checked my Nostradamus prophesies recently but I’m almost sure this is one of the 5 signs of the apocalypse. Who am I trying to kid? We will never be that lucky that someone as obvious as Michael Bay would be the Anti-Christ.
There are Transformers who become Dragons there is a new protagonist ultra-villain and also Bumblebee is back, but all I can really think about during the film is, why do Transformers have accents at all?
I said it at the beginning of the review and I’ll conclude with it now… If I had to describe Transformers in one word it would be “awful”